The red lights on the monitor are flashing.
Oh no. Please stop.
I get up from my desk and walk over to turn up the volume.
Maybe one of the boys just coughed.
Nope. The soft, pitiful cry of a 12 month old is piped through. Not a loud cry. Not a very awake cry.
Maybe he'll go back to sleep.
I sit down and go back to reading my article, but with divided attention. Half of me wants to enjoy my time, but the other half is listening with baited breath to the monitor. To that soft cry.
Please go back to sleep. Just roll over and stop crying. Please.
But he doesn't roll over, and I know why. He's almost certainly standing up.
Aggravated at this most unceremonious interruption of my night, I get up. He's not going back to sleep.
When I open the door to the boys' bedroom, my suspicions are confirmed: there, standing in the corner of his crib is Silas, crying, looking a little confused at the sudden light.
And my heart melts.
Oh yeah, he's kind of a sickie.
Pulling him into my arms, I cradle him on the way to my bedroom. This night waking is not terribly out of the ordinary these days, and we both know what to do. We sit down, he snuggles in, and I nurse him.
He's just a baby. Just a little guy.
But not for long. His birthday is in two days.
He needs me. I'm his mom.
I love to watch him nurse. One hand absently fingers the hem on my shirt, the other pulled in under his chin. He's completely at home. He's completely comfortable. And so I stare at him for what, in reality, is a very short amount of time. 10 minutes, maybe.
And then I put him back in bed. He rolls over, sticks his bottom in the air, and I cover him with his blankie.
* * *
Why does my heart sink when I hear him start to cry?
I feel like I have to constantly remind myself that these moments are fleeting. They're here...and tomorrow they'll be gone. I won't be nursing a baby before long. And although that's the thing half of me is living for (some freedom after these long years of raising young children), I know I'll miss it when it's gone.
* * *
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