Thursday, November 21, 2013

I'm Tired.

I'm tired. I am tired of my uncooperative back. I'm tired of not being able to walk normally or stand up without wincing. I am tired of tantrums and complaints. I am tired of little boys peeing on the couch. I'm tired of looking at our gross, dirty green carpet. I'm tired of not being able to vacuum it.

I'm tired of our two-day rotation of oatmeal and cereal, or our three-day rotation of ham and swiss, grilled cheese, and peanut butter and jelly. I'm tired of looking in the pantry, desperate for some new dinner ideas, and not coming up with much. I'm tired of eating chicken.

I'm tired of constantly feeling behind with the organic and whole foods trend. It seems like I can never measure up in this strange new world of juicing and carrot and spinach shakes. I mean, who wants to drink a spinach shake? I prefer chocolate. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not giving my kids the very best because I still give them goldfish crackers for a snack. I'm tired of comparing myself with others. 

But most of all, I'm tired of being tired.

I wish that I had boundless energy, this crazy excitement about mom-life that just comes gushing out of me every which way. I wish that I had never-ending patience and a constant smile and all the answers to domestic bliss.

I don't have those things.

But I do have a four year old little girl who stood next to me at the sliding glass door today.

“You're sad, mom.”

“Yeah, I'm a little sad.”

“Why are you sad?”

It kind of jolted me, her question. It made me realize that it's not just about me. When I'm upset, they see it. They understand. They're old enough to start connecting some dots.

And I don't want them to grow up thinking that I'm tired of them.

Because, the truth is, all the stuff that comes with being a mom (or dad) is hard. It's a lot of work. There are easy days and not-so-easy days. There are fun times and not-so-fun times. But the truth is, I really like my life.

And I'm tired, but I'm not tired of them.

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