The Things That I Want and The Things That I Have

Today Daniel had five accidents. Five.

Two of them happened in a row as we were walking out the door to go to Silas's check up at the doctor. We were already late.

I couldn't understand why he didn't just go to the bathroom. Why? After I got him in front of the potty, I had to stand in another room while he finished up. I was very close. To losing it.

And I am exhausted. I am so tired. I can't keep my eyes open and I don't know why I'm still awake. Except that there's something kind of therapeutic in just typing out my thoughts, stream of consciousness style.

So, here goes.

Today was so hard that I am glad to see it's over. The kids are in bed. I think they're asleep. I need a break. A real break, not just a pop into the nearest book store kind of break, but the kind where it's okay to wake up late and I can go to the bathroom without worrying what the one year old is getting into. The kind where it's a reality that I can just hop on my bike and ride to the nearest coffee shop. And then I can sit there and drink a cup of coffee. Or two. I want time. Some real time to just be. I want freedom. Some real freedom to come and go as I please. With just me and my keys and maybe another cup of coffee. I want to sit on the beach and close my eyes and listen to the sea gulls and kids playing and know that I don't have to keep half an eye (or both eyes all the time) on them.

Those are the things that I want.

But what I have is an office chair and a computer desk and a very worn and very cozy blue blanket on my lap. And I have the sound of the water filter in the turtle tank we just set up this week. That's nice. It's like a water feature and it makes me wonder why we haven't kept fish before. I love the sound. I have a warm house and a warm bed with not one, but two warm blankets. I have flowers and strawberries and new baby radishes coming up in the backyard. We just saw them for the first time today. That was fun. And I have three sleeping children in their beds. And they are good. They are hard. They are maybe the hardest thing I've ever done. But they are so good.

Those are the things that I have.

I suppose, in the end, that's not such a bad list. In fact...I kind of have a lot.  

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