Living in the Tension

Yesterday was hard. I came face to face for the first time in a while with the reality that I have absolutely no idea how to live in the tension. 

There is a part of me, not insignificant, that wants to completely disconnect from society. To go all granola and homestead and homeschool and do earthy things like make my own deodorant. 

And there's an equally significant part of me that wants a new floor. And to remodel our kitchen, take out a few walls, and create the kind of oasis that I see plastered all over the internet. 

Why? 

Here's the deal: motives. 

Why do I want to disconnect? I know why. It's because I think, somehow, it'll be easier. Easier to follow God, easier to keep my eyes on what they're supposed to be on, easier to be an island with no distractions. Nothing to pull me away. 

Sounds awfully holy, doesn't it? 

I think it's a lie. And it's a cop out. Instead of facing the hard stuff and choosing God, I just want to run away. That's not choosing God.

Why do I want wood floors? On the surface, because I think they look nice. Underneath, because I want other people to think my house looks nice. Enviable, even. 

Sometimes it's scary what I find inside of myself. 

The answer isn't swinging between one extreme or the other. 

God hasn't called me to live out in the boonies. He's put me right here in Jax Beach. He's called us to live in community with one another, to help each other forward, to serve each other. He's called us to go through life's ups and downs, and He continues to call us to choose Him in the face of temptation. 

And spending all of my energy thinking about flooring is a waste. A waste of time and a waste of my gifts. And it's neglectful. Because if I spend all of my energy on something so temporary, then I'm neglecting the eternal stuff. You know, the stuff that matters. 

The answer is to live somewhere in between. Staying connected, staying grounded. Building my life on a solid foundation, not being carried away by the whims of the internet. One quiet time at a time. 

The answer is God Himself. I won't discover how to live in the tension through a self-help book. It is only with God. This whole thing, life, only works with God. 

Knowing the answer is the easy part. Now to live it.

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